Ek dink dit is tyd

Vir die afgelope twee jaar het ek soos die spreekwoordelike skilpad in my dop weg gekruip, terug getrek en weg gesteek van dinge om my, want party keer is dit net makliker, maar daar is 'n tyd, en ek dink dit is nou tyd.

Gister, skielik uit die bloute het een van die Biekies in trane uitgebars en baie hartseer vir my vertel hoe baie word Ouma gemis en na haar verlang, maar dat hulle nie van ouma wil praat nie, want as hulle wel doen, dan word hulle hartseer.  En sonder om te dink daaroor of filosofies te wou raak, het ek verduidelik dat ons almal haar nog verskriklik baie mis, en verskriklik baie na haar verlang, en dat ons almal nogsteeds dae het waar onsself nog maar baie hartseer oor haar is, en dis toe wat ek begin verduidelik dat ons juis dan, as ons so baie verlang en hartseer is, van haar moet praat, en oor haar moet gesels, en al die lekker en goeie dinge moet onthou.  Want hoe meer ons kan regkry om dit te doen, hoe meer gaan dit hopenlik help teen die hartseer en verlange.  En na die tyd, toe ek weer daaroor sit en dink, toe besef ek dat ek dit self moet doen, dat ek moet ophou baklei teen die hartseer, en eerder die lekker en goeie moet onthou, en dit moet gebruik om my te help baklei teen die verlange.

Ek dink dit is tyd, om weer uit my dop te kruip, te aanvaar dat nie elke dag maklik gaan wees nie, maar dat die son tog weer skyn.  Ek weet ek gaan nog gereeld my "battles" hê waarteen ek gaan baklei, maar elke aand as ek vir die sterre daar bo kyk, weet ek dat ek nog 'n dag oorleef het.

Please just let me breathe

Days will go by where I am fine, days where I do not cry or have an uncontrollable urge to huddle in a little heap and snarl at someone, days where I smile at the world and it's people, days where I feel comfortable.
But then, everything will change in an instant, the burning hole in my chest will burst open, raging, I suffocate, no matter how hard and how deep I try to breathe. The pain suck you in, no matter how hard you fight.
No matter how hard you prepare yourself against this feeling, it does not get better and it sure as hell does not get easier.
The pain of loosing someone is a deep, dark, devouring beast, always there, always lingering, and staring at you, readybto shred you to pieces when you least expect it...leaving you hurting, leaving you broken

My HCG journey..



On the left : 31/08/2013  On the right : 14/10/2013

 For as long as I can remember, I struggled with my weight, maybe because the boy I dated when I was 16 told me that my thighs were fat, not that I was overweight at all at that time, but somewhere deep inside in stuck, and refuse to let go... After my pregnancies, things just went totally overboard, to a point where I really did not care anymore.
That was until I saw a picture of myself at my cousin's wedding last year and I realised I am heading on a self-destruction path, and it is a path where only I can change the destination, and there and then I decided that I need to stop and re-think things a little.
I was introduced to the HCG Program by a dear friend. At first I was scared and unsure, I doubted in my ability to take on this challenge and succeed. But then I realised that I am not doing this for anybody else but myself. And I also realised that this is not just a diet or a miracle cure, no, this is a life style change.
You see, that is where millions of people make the mistake, cause so many people start following a “diet”, start eating healthy (and maybe do a bit of exercise) but as soon as they lose those unwanted kg’s and reach their target weight, they stop with the healthy eating, they stop with the exercise and plunge back in the deep dark pool of unhealthy living. They jump back to the take-away’s and burgers and chips and chocolates, and over-stuff their faces. And yes, by doing that you will gain back all the weight you have lost and some more.
A healthy lifestyle is not just about doing a crash course diet to lose a few pounds and be happy with that, no, a healthy lifestyle means making better and healthier choices that will only be an advantage not only to yourself but to your health as well. It means spending more time with friends and family in the outdoors..forget about your phone...forget about the tv...get your ass of that damm couch and set foot outside, shock your brain with some fresh air. And the myth that eating healthier means you need to spend more time in the kitchen is a load of bull. No you do not need to spend more time in the kitchen, you only need to learn to plan your meals smarter, when making supper, make a little bit extra, cause by doing that, you will have lunch for the next day. Keep a bottle of water on your desk to make sure you drink water on a more regular basis. Take a walk around the block (for me this is a little bit easier as we live in a small rural community where there is not that much crime, so I can actually go for a walk when I get home after work in the week, and on week-ends, I wake up before the rest of the house and go for a walk) I have found that going for these walks actually help me clear my head much more that I would have thought it would do, it helps me focus and get everything back into perspective. It is my “me time”.
By changing my lifestyle, eating habits and doing the HCG Program, I have managed to lose 12kg’s and an overall loss of 3.5 cm’s, and I feel great!
I have managed to regain some of my confidence in myself again. I can actually look into a mirror without being disgusted. But by reaching this goal, I have not stopped, I still try and eat as healthy as possible (yes I still allow myself to indulged in the no-so-healthy-things-in-life) and I still try and be as active as possible. And by doing this I have managed to keep my weight steady.
So yes, this is possible, but you have to take that first step, you have to make that decision for yourself and you have to dedicate yourself and realise that this is not a quick fix, you have to realise that this is a lifestyle change, cause as soon as you do that, everything becomes very simple and easy.


On the left : 23/09/2013  On the right : 17/11/2013



Only miss the sun when it starts to snow…

I have totally neglected my blog lately, it has (and still is) been hectic trying to keep all the schedules running smoothly…it’s been hectic just to keep them running, never mind smoothly, but we are getting there.


Life is not always warm and fuzzy, but we development different coping mechanisms to get us through those moment and carry on, carry on as if nothing is wrong….just carry on.

The other night we were watching an episode of “How I met your mother” and Lilly told Ted that there were days where she wished that she was not a mother (and no, she did not mean it in a bad way), that she could just pack her bags and get away from it all. She told him that before she got pregnant, painting was her passion, that she would spend hours on end painting, but since the baby was born, she had not touched a paintbrush.

And somehow I could relate to her statement, we all get to a point in our lives where we just want to pack our bags and get away from it all, and just for a few moments allow ourselves to take a deep breath.

There are days where it really feels as if Lady Luck turned her back, where I cannot feel her warm smile beam from her face. Days where I battle with each step I take, where I battle to remind myself that the sun will shine again. And it is times like these where I feel unappreciated, where it feels as if all that I do is in vain, where is does not matter to those around me, as if it is self-evident that only I am responsible for the things that need to be done.

I want to climb onto my soapbox and make myself heard, make sure that they know exactly how I feel, but I don’t…I keep quiet, not wanting to sound unappreciative of what I have and those I love, and those feelings become a subconscious battle between myself and I. Because in my mind I can not hurt others with my words, and I can not speak without thinking, so I keep on fighting with myself, arguing about these things over and over again, till finally I am emotionally exhausted and I let it go, drifting away like a little paper boat on a raging river, watching as the raging rapids bash the little boat from side to side until it finally drifts slowly to the bottom of the river, gone and forgotten.

I was never good at dealing with my feelings, and I have never successfully learned to master the technique. And I don’t like talking about my feelings, maybe in my mind I feel that talking about your feelings makes you a weakling, it show your weaknesses to the world, which will allow it to step on you, to kick when you are already down. If I keep it to myself, nobody can take a kick or a bash at me, they will just leave me alone. Alone is not always that bad, it allows me to struggle and unravel things in my mind, help me understand things a bit better, helps me understand myself better.

But my mind is a babbling mess, uncontrollable chaos. I wish there was just a small fraction of a moment where I can escape to, just leave everything behind, forget about things that need to be done, forget about responsibilities, just sit by myself and wallow in self-pity.

But the sun will shine again tomorrow

Season Greetings and New Year’s Blessings

My wish for all of you is a merry, blessed and fruitful 2013!

Our festive season included the following :

• Littlest meeting the sea, sandy shores and crashing waves for the first time, and she could not stop giggling while doing so

• Biekies soaking up every last bit of said sea, sandy shores and crashing waves, making pretty sure they leave nothing behind to be regretted later

 

• They hopped, skipped and jumped from one rock to another, carefully inspecting the rock pools, observing it’s inhabitants, amazed by the little creatures that could be found

 

• We took a trip to Stilbaai to visit the well-known Fresh Water Spring and it’s eel- residents which can be found at the Stilbaai Tourism Bureau and Museum




• We visited granddad’s workplace, where H got a ride in one of their very BIG John Deere thingies…he was ecstatic to say the least, where as Z preferred to observe it all from the safety of her mamma’s hip

 

• And then, the big highlight of the entire holiday…..littlest impatiently awaiting the arrival of Father Christmas!!

 

But this year our Christmas Story was slightly different than the previous :

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house

Biekies was stirring, scaring even the mouse
Santa phoned, not once, not twice but trice
Asking if the children are being naughty or nice

Grandpa told us the story
Of Santa and all the Christmas Glory
Eyes began to sparkle and smiles grew wide
As Biekies sat listening, side by side

Over the mountains and through the valleys he came
Calling each reindeer by their name
But in Oudshoorn he had to make a quick stop
As reindeer grew exhausted and was about to drop

He exchanged his reindeers and sleigh
For a big-ass motorbike on which he could cruise the highway
He requested that only a glass of milk be left outside
with no time to spare, he could only drop, drink and ride

Far in the distance, we heard a rumble, we heard a noise,
and as we opened the front door….oh the joys!

There was excitement and laughter and smiles
Making it all truly worthwhile!!!…..

We really enjoyed our holiday, although it was a bit short, but hey, who am I to complain. We got to see a different side of Z, as if we got to know her a little bit better, being apart for almost 11 hours a day can be difficult on any parent-child relationship. She is such an amazing little person, and some days we really do underestimate her, but this holiday she proved to be a very clever, brave, energetic littlest person.

 

I have been pondering on this subject for a few days now, and have once again managed to force my foot into my mouth and down my throat about this, and the wrong person got stuck in the crossfire. And yes, I am truly sorry for tipping the apple cart upside down, but please try and see all of this through my eyes, try and understand…. (And might I not be stoned for speaking my mind on my blog)

 

Whilst on vacation I had some time to rekindle my love for my camera and photography, and I was once again reminded how much I love doing it, it is my passion and something I feel really strong about. I don’t take photos just because it is one more photo to be filed on the computer and forgotten about, I take photos because for me each and every photo I take is soaked with love and precious memories. I don’t mind sharing my photos but then I wish to be the one sharing them with everyone.

And who would have though that one year passed since this….

H passed Gr. 0 with an amazing report and a very good assessment, and we proceeded with our preparations for Gr. 1 this year.

Dressed in a neatly ironed school uniform (exclude the shoes as they do not fit at all anymore), lunch packed, stationary marked and backpack ready, we started the new school year with great anticipation. And a few weeks’ later things have been going good, so I am one very happy mamma!

And some more exciting times to come for us as family. My little baby sister is getting married!! Oh jippie! We have been waiting for this for so long. She went through some pretty trying times these last couple of months, and have been blessed with a wonderful fiancé, they adore each other, and I am so proud of her!

As most things in this life, a marriage is not “born” perfect, but through hard work and perseverance it is possible to create the most beautiful and perfect relationship and marriage. And if one remembers to include communication, love, trust and mutual respect, you have indeed a winning formula!

It's all just peachy....or so they say

Life cannot always be perfect and smooth sailing, which we all know. There are days where we are short tempered; we snap at one another, we take the crap until we cannot do it any more.
The dam will slowly start overflowing, the walls will start creaking and cracking, until finlly it can not hold anymore, and it will burst with fury, sending raw emotion upon raw emotion rushing through the gaping hole, allowing itself to empty from all the pressure.
... ... ...
I started writing this post , not really knowing what to say, I'm going tgrough a stage of frustration and all I could think about is how mad I currently was at things. But then hubby sends me a link, and it broke me down in tears...
As a mother and wife, you reach a stage in your life where you feel as if you have become invisible to your husband and children...
The lady in the link explained how she realised more and more and with each day passing that she was turning into that "invisible lady" to her family, as if they noticed her less and less, to a point where she started feeling "pretty darn pathetic". Then she received a from a friend returning from her travels through England, a book about 'The Great Cathedrals of Europe', and she did not understand why until she read the inscription her friend wrote on the inside of the cover :
"With admiration for the greatness that you are building when no one sees"
"You can't name the names of the people that build the Great Cathedrals, over and over again looking at the immense works, you scan down to find the names, and it says : "Builder : Unknow". They completed things not knowing that anyone would notice.
There is a story about one of the builders who was carving a tiny bird inside a beam that would be covered over by a roof, and someone came up to him and said "Why are you spending so much time on something no one will ever see". And it was reported that the builder replied : "Because God sees". They trusted that God saw everything.
They made personal sacrifices for no credit.
One writer even goes so far as to say that no Great Cathedrals will ever be build again because so few people are willing to sacrifice to that degree."
It is at this point where I realised...God sees us! We are not invisible to Him! No sacrifice is to small for Him to notice, He smiles over everyone and He notices every tear of disappointment when things don't go the way we want them to go. But remember, we are building Great Cathedrals.
"At times, being invisible might feel like an infliction, but it should not be a disease erasing our lives, it is the cure for the disease of self-centredness, it is the antidote to our own pride."
So let's do it right, let's do it well, let's build those Great Cathedrals, not for ourselves, not for them, but for Him that sees...
Let's also take a moment and think of those whose lives are currently engulfed by pain, sorrow and loss. Let's take a moment and say a prayer for them, let's allow our love and compassion to carry them through these difficult times. Let's be grateful for those small moments, because we never know when that moment might be the last one. To all those who suffer loss after the Sandy Hook Elementary School tragedy, we pray for you, we are sorry, deeply sorry for your loss and pain.
May their memories always live forth...they are and they always will be!

Start of a closing chapter…

In all honesty, I am not in a mood for work, not at all! I would rather be home, over-dosing on Christmas Decorations and doing nothing, might even throw in a Christmas Carols CD or two (just because I can)…sounds good to me


Every shop window, street corner, lamp pole and advertisement booklet in the paper is proudly decorated with all things Christmassy…

(and it is this time of the year again….oh happy happy, unfortunately we did not attend this year due to bad weather, rain and thunderstorms)

 

We fast approached the 1st of December, the 1st of the last month of the year, time to start preparation for the end of the year…or what ever or which ever way around. I struggle to decide whether I should speed up things that need to be done, or just slow down and ease into things.

We decided to take a long-awaited and well deserved vacation this year, which I am very excited about, cause this will be the first time we take Z to the sea (shame on us, I know!). I can already feel the sand beneath my feet and between my toes, the saltiness sticking to my skin, waves crashing, sea mist on my face, sea gulls squawking…man oh man…it’s gonna be good I tell you!

This vacation will also allow us some quality family time together, something that took a bit of neglect recently, which is not even excusable, cause yes, sadly life turned demanding and filled with hurriedness. (H’s latest catch phrase in the mornings : “Mom, are we late for school again?”)

Keeping a good balance in life can be a daunting task, keeping that perfect balance can be so difficult, and focus can be lost so easily. But sometimes it takes just that little bit of extra effort, that one minute extra, a quick conversation, and sometimes no words are needed at all, a hug can mean the world to a person, appreciated more than a 1000 words. But we all need that yin-yang balance, although it might be a bit crooked at times, it still needs to be there. We will always find a way to make it work, to get that balance back, don’t know how, but we manage to do it, maybe it is programmed into our subconscious and kicks in when the brain waves goes all over the place…something like that

So, no matter what makes your yin-yang tick, just find that special something and yang away!

P.S : This was my 100th post as well...