Searching for the “pause-button”…..

I completed the application forms for Gr-0 for H the other night….it broke my heart and left me with a turmoil of emotions. Where has time gone and what the hell did he do with my little baby? And if it were not too much to ask, would time mind just hitting the “pause-button”?


I need to savour of a few more moments, I need to recall and cherish a few more memories, and I need my littlest to be little just a tad bit longer…

But although it feels like I lost my grip on time, I have to admit that we do enjoy the littlest grown-up person he is turning into, for instance, the other night he assembled the track for the skylectric (which he got from grandpa) all on his own, and he did not do a bad job in doing so. After said track was assembled, I was proudly informed that “ek kan die pad myself bou want ek is ‘n groot seun mos”. It made me proud…knowing that he is attempting more things on his own and relying less and less on our help and assistance. I’m also encouraging him to try things for himself, rather than leaping in and showing him how to do it, cause I realised, as much as I hate it, maybe I need to let go….

We are in the process of converting the (only) tree in our back garden into a tree-house for Hanco, because come on, every little boy needs a tree house, a tree house that magically converts into a pirate’s ship that sails the seven seas, collecting precious treasures, or a space shuttle launching itself deep into space, flying between stars, milky ways and planets, a tree house to hide away from annoying little sisters, to camp-out in and do sleep-overs.

Oh yes, and I guess it is safe to say that we survived our first Valie-winter, never thought we would be able to say this, but yes, we survived.

I am madly, deeply, utterly in love with spring this year, spring signals new beginnings, away with the old and dusty and in with the new and blooming…

Unfortunately, our spring did not have a rosy and chirpy start to it, cause I was admitted to hospital on the 1st of September 2011 for a scheduled D&C….yes, unfortunately our pregnancy was terminated at just over 12 weeks due to medical reasons. To me as a mother, this was probably the MOST difficult decision I had to make, cause the ripples this stone cause in our little pond goes way beyond what the eye will ever be able to see. And the unconscious fight between Forgiveness vs. Guilt will linger in my being and my soul for days and nights to come. But we are all entitled too forgiveness, and although I know that my faith allowed me to be forgiven, I still have to allow myself to forgive

The love and support we received (and are still receiving) in these difficult times, is just overwhelming, family and friends (and yes, even cyber-space friends) reached out to us and touched our hearts and lives with their love, caring and support, and to all of them we will be forever grateful. I don’t think any dictionary or thesaurus will be able to explain the gratitude we have towards these people.

But we decided to keep our little boat afloat amidst the giant waves caused by this, we will keep sailing towards to sun, keep our heads up high and our faith even higher

…. cause the sun will always shine again tomorrow