Life is not always warm and fuzzy, but we development different coping mechanisms to get us through those moment and carry on, carry on as if nothing is wrong….just carry on.
The other night we were watching an episode of “How I met your mother” and Lilly told Ted that there were days where she wished that she was not a mother (and no, she did not mean it in a bad way), that she could just pack her bags and get away from it all. She told him that before she got pregnant, painting was her passion, that she would spend hours on end painting, but since the baby was born, she had not touched a paintbrush.
And somehow I could relate to her statement, we all get to a point in our lives where we just want to pack our bags and get away from it all, and just for a few moments allow ourselves to take a deep breath.
There are days where it really feels as if Lady Luck turned her back, where I cannot feel her warm smile beam from her face. Days where I battle with each step I take, where I battle to remind myself that the sun will shine again. And it is times like these where I feel unappreciated, where it feels as if all that I do is in vain, where is does not matter to those around me, as if it is self-evident that only I am responsible for the things that need to be done.
I want to climb onto my soapbox and make myself heard, make sure that they know exactly how I feel, but I don’t…I keep quiet, not wanting to sound unappreciative of what I have and those I love, and those feelings become a subconscious battle between myself and I. Because in my mind I can not hurt others with my words, and I can not speak without thinking, so I keep on fighting with myself, arguing about these things over and over again, till finally I am emotionally exhausted and I let it go, drifting away like a little paper boat on a raging river, watching as the raging rapids bash the little boat from side to side until it finally drifts slowly to the bottom of the river, gone and forgotten.
I was never good at dealing with my feelings, and I have never successfully learned to master the technique. And I don’t like talking about my feelings, maybe in my mind I feel that talking about your feelings makes you a weakling, it show your weaknesses to the world, which will allow it to step on you, to kick when you are already down. If I keep it to myself, nobody can take a kick or a bash at me, they will just leave me alone. Alone is not always that bad, it allows me to struggle and unravel things in my mind, help me understand things a bit better, helps me understand myself better.
But my mind is a babbling mess, uncontrollable chaos. I wish there was just a small fraction of a moment where I can escape to, just leave everything behind, forget about things that need to be done, forget about responsibilities, just sit by myself and wallow in self-pity.
But the sun will shine again tomorrow
