I’m pregnant….and then not….

Ok, so I had Biology in high school till matric, I loved drawing single cell organisms, but never could biology prepare me for the fact that the human body can be mysterious and strange…very, very strange.

I missed Aunt Flo, I’m never late, maybe a few days early, but never late. And when I’m late, I know the writing is on the wall. So this time I knew something was cooking.

I did an HPT…and waited…and waited…and waited…I waited for half an hour…and there was nothing, not even ONE line, never mind two. So I got this confused looked from hubby as he asked me “What does that mean?” Uhm, in all honesty, I don’t know… I have done about 8 or 9 HPT’s in my lifetime, and never before did I get a “nothing” result, most of my previous results have been 2 lines and the odd one here and there was a 1 liner, but never a “nothing”.

So I chucked the HPT in the bathroom dustbin and went to my mom’s for a visit, but when we got back home, my curiosity got the better of me, and there I was with my hand down the dustbin, digging around for the HPT…when I finally got hold of it, it was telling me a completely different story…there on the little screen where 2 very distinct pink lines….

Two pink lines are not that bad, we have talked about maybe expanding the Biekie-bunch with maybe one more…but soon the initial excitement was drowned by fears and “what if…”.

I have not yet came to a point where I can forgive myself for failing as a mother when I had to go for the D&C last year September, I don’t think I will ever be able to do so. As a mother I was suppose to protect my littlest with every inch and every part of my body and soul…and I could not do it…I failed myself and I failed the littlest.

So how will I be able to reassure myself this time around that I will not falter and fail again? How will I be able to protect when I’m not able to trust and forgive myself…the turmoil of emotions where endless and ongoing

Made an appointment with the Gynea for the following Monday. I walked into his office and sat down in front of his desk, he asked me the general “so you think you’re pregnant” questions, after which his showed me to the examination room. I walked into the room, the glare from the florescent light a bit overwhelming as I lay down on the bed and waited. The doctor came in, pulled up my shirt a bit and tucked that little blue cloth into the top of my pants. I felt the cold jelly being squirted onto my belly, a familiarity for me and my tummy. The probe was swishing around on my tummy, examining every inch of my womb…but all I was left with was a barren image….

Ok, so this is called hysterical pregnancy (just don’t know hysterical in which way), and dates as far back as Mary, Queen of England or something…. apparently this can also be described as purely psychological, and is mostly common in dogs and mice (Any further explanation needed???)

My brain told my body to prepare for something that there was nothing to prepare for. Is this my body, mind and soul rebelling?

This time around I am fine, I am really, really fine. It is just like waking up from a very realistic dream.

But I gave this a long hard thought, and maybe we should call this quits… We have two beautiful Biekies, of which we are very proud off and whom we love dearly. May I should take a moment to stop and count my blessings, be thankful for what I have and rather concentrate on that for now